In the Beginning
When my second son was born in June of 2019, he joined our eldest boy, then 2 years old. The next few months were a complete blur of stress and exhaustion. Our oldest “E” was very jealous of “L” from the start. There was a lot of hitting, crying and big feelings (the crying and big feelings extended to me as well!)
L was a go-getter from the time he was small - he first climbed out of his crib at 14 months. He was walking at 11 months and running/climbing shortly after. He had no fear and a ton of goose eggs on his forehead. It was almost impossible to keep him safe. We childproofed everything but he just ripped the drawers open anyway. We had to lock up anything sharp very tightly.
In the midst of this very stressful time, when L was 9 months old, the Pandemic began. Having little kids and elderly, immunocompromised parents meant we had to be very careful. L didn’t see the inside of any store for over a year. No lessons, no play dates for a very long time. All the socialization E had as a baby and toddler, L missed out on.
Incremental Progress
By the time L was around 1 we knew something was different. His impulsiveness, his meltdowns…it was all very intense in a way we hadn’t experienced with E. The normal soothing routines we used with E didn’t work with L. Trying to hug him made him angry. Not yet educated on gentle parenting, we tried all the “punishment” strategies - sending him to his room, time out, even swatting his hand at one point. Little did we know, we were making everything worse.
Incremental Progress
We began to implement the ideas we found, all based around the idea of gentle parenting. We saw immediate results.
By the time he was 2, I felt like I was losing it. Things never got easier, I was yelling at the kids way too much. I felt like my neighbors must think I was crazy. They probably did. It wasn’t until L was close to 3 that we started our research. After a good deal of reading, we decided he must have anxiety. So we started Occupational Therapy. Around that time, I also started watching parenting videos from Psychologists and other parents on TikTok, Facebook and Instagram. It opened my eyes. I didn’t have the time or energy to read a whole parenting book, but these short videos gave me ideas and strategies that I shared with my husband.
We began to implement the ideas we found, all based around the idea of gentle parenting. We saw immediate results. Not just for L, but E as well. His meltdowns were under control, he was happier, I wasn’t yelling, and my life didn’t feel impossible. Once we realized that L’s brain works differently and we would have to parent him differently, a whole world opened up - the world of neurodiverse kids and their parents.
Effective Tools & Gentle Parenting
His current diagnosis from OT is that he has sensory differences and anxiety. He also shows signs of OCD. Once we knew what was going on, we realized how many resources were available. Here are a few products that have genuinely helped L, and our entire family.
note: we don’t use affiliate links
- Sensory Swing
- L and E both use this swing daily.
- Pop tubes
- These are fun and also very calming as a fidget toy. 1 year old loves them as well.
- Kinetic Sand
- Very calming for L. When we started OT and he was very nervous, putting his hands into something like that helped him calm enough to start his session.
- Fidget slug
- Fun to play with (also great in the bath) and very soothing to pull apart and put back together
- Stretchy sensory tubes
- L actually sleeps with these sometimes. They are great for tactile feedback (and occasionally swinging around as well)
- Montessori Screw Driver Board
- This keeps his hands busy, and it’s a double win because he loves tools and building
These products have been great tools for L, however the biggest impact came from the changes we made in our parenting style. We are certainly not perfect and don’t always adhere to this, but here are the principles that really helped us - and all 3 of our boys.
- No yelling/raising voice
- Giving pressure feedback when he’s feeling overwhelmed ( bear hug, rolling up in a blanket)
- Offering an alternative when we see a meltdown - spinning, going upside down, anything physical to distract
- Not getting into a power struggle - distraction is much more powerful
- Apologizing when we do make a mistake or lose it a little bit, and explaining that we are still learning too
We still have hard days, but not like we used to. And the payoff comes when L takes a deep breath with no prompting when he’s feeling anxious, or is willing to try something that overwhelmed him in the past. Having a neurodivergent child can be challenging, but it can also be beautiful. L is very passionate about the things that he loves, and he is VERY persistent when he has a goal. He challenges us to be better parents, and the research we’ve done to benefit him has also greatly benefited our neurotypical 6 year old, and will surely benefit our 1 year old as he grows into a toddler.
Gentle Parenting
These products have been great tools for L, however the biggest impact came from the changes we made in our parenting style.
Conclusion
If you’re a parent who is struggling with something similar, I’d encourage you to keep reading, keep researching, and know that you are not alone. We all want the best for our kids, and I hope that something I’ve written could spark something in another parent who is just tired of everything being so hard.
2025 Update
L was formally diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety in the Summer of 2024. He started Kindergarten that Fall. The transition was extremely difficult for all of us. The meltdowns returned, he wouldn’t get out of the car, every morning was a struggle.
Thanks to his wonderful, inclusive school and extremely sweet and understanding Kindergarten teacher, he is already making progress. We are on a wait-list for more OT, and he has a 504 in place at his school.
Meanwhile, our youngest has shown signs of neurodivergence as well. He has a speech delay, is a terrible sleeper, hyperfixates on things he likes, has sensory sensitivities with clothing, and is very hyperactive. This time we were more prepared and aware of resources, so he started early intervention at 12 months. It has been very hard for me to accept that we have a second child with high needs, and honestly the day to day is very difficult. I’m hopeful that with time and the right support, my 2 youngest will grow into happy, fulfilled adults. But it’s never easy, and to other parents of high needs, neurodivergent children - you’re doing great, even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Just some thoughts.
When possible, all supporting articles or references I linked to were fact checked and credibility verified. Below is the data from MBFC
| Source | Bias | Reporting Accuracy | Credibility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mayo Clinic | Pro-Science | High | High |
| Wikipedia | Least Biased | Mixed | Medium |